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Sedgwick The Tenant/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man we've been waiting for... Not godot -- more like "god, no!" your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) how you doin'? All right, thanks. By golly, huh? All right. Take 'er easy, now. By golly, thanks for comin'. Big kafuffle this week over at old man sedgwick's place. His son showed up right on his doorstep. I didn't know he had a son. Neither did he, harold. You know, you get old, you forget things. Nobody forgets a son. I'm trying to forget a nephew. (giggling) wow. Anyway, uh... Causin' problems over at old man sedgwick's place. That son's putting a lot of strain on the old guy. How old is he, exactly? Don't know for sure. Our best guess is he's about 97. How old's his son? I'm talkin' about his son. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the main message being, for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. You don't wanna go anywhere near old man sedgwick's place now that his son has moved back in. Talk about two crabby guys. I'm walkin' by -- they yell, "hey, dork, pick a gender!" (audience laughing) (laughing) (laughing) (laughing) boy... That's, uh, that's cruel. Speaking of cruel, here's a little taste of what we got later when the "adventures with bill" section-- actually, this is more than a little taste. That may be a mist-- that may be a mistake 'cause with bill, a little taste is all you ever want. Right, bill? Oh! I rest my case... And most of my body. Anyway, what this is is life is a circus and... There you go, bill. I thought this wouldn't be fun. Ohhh! Isn't that a shame? Like I was saying, a bit of a circus. Bill wants me to climb the ladder. He's gonna do a flying... A flying wallenda thing. He's gonna go up, I'll go down, then I'll catch him. That's how that's gonna work. That's the plan, anyway. That is the plan. You know how plans go. I did my part perfectly but, uh... Whoa! I say bill's a little heavy. We gotta relieve the tension on the board. Oh, there's why you're... Ok. This is a quick-- boy, you got a lot of stuff in the... Imagine him going through the metal detector. Man, that's-- he's really-- he's packin' iron. What the heck was that? It's a power saw? Piece of flexible hose on there... Bunch of valves and... Boy, oh, boy. A caulking gun, there, and still nothing. Oh, forgot one thing -- a little washer. Oh, boy! Boy, he's up there! I'll get you, bill! Yeah, I lost you in the sun, bill. That's all that was. More of that later. ♪ oh, I had one whisker on the end of my nose ♪ ♪ and the more I shave it, the more it grows ♪ ♪ I waxed it and stretched it till it was 14 inches long ♪ ♪ and then it was hit by lightning ♪ ♪ and I was forced to rethink the whole project ♪ this is for the big one -- 200 road apples and a free juicer. You have 30 seconds to get mr. Dalton humphrey of humphrey's everything store to say this word... "laugh". (laughing) and go. When your wife tells a joke, you... ... Cringe. When I tell a joke, you... ... Don't get it. (audience laughing) all right, at the circus, the clowns make us... ... Angry! All right, uh... If somebody comes into your store and asks for a discount, you have a good... Discount?! Don't make me laugh! Ok, that's it! On "handyman corner", I'll do something for you people who always wanted to join the volunteer fire department but never have. Maybe you don't have time, maybe you can't pass the physical, or you don't want to spend your weekends with the losers that are attracted to that type of hobby. Maybe there's a better way. Instead of trying to turn normal citizens into firemen, how about turning a normal car into a firetruck? Haven't we all thrilled to the sight of a firetruck roarin' down the street, whippin' by you on the way to a blaze that you never started on purpose? I think electrical appliances gotta have better warnings on 'em. Yeah, uh, ok. Now, first thing any firetruck's gotta have is an axe, a shovel, and a pick. In a firetruck, they have this stuff on the outside so the firefighters can get to it in an emergency, like, say, a fire. We can do the same thing. You wanna take a drill and drill holes in your trunk larger than the handles. Then they'll be stickin' right out. Let's start drillin'. Don't worry about any damage. We'll paint this baby fire-engine red. Perfect. You notice how firetrucks have flashing lights? Well, so do you. They're on your eavestrough. Go pull them down and hook them up with an extension cord. Any fire that's farther away than the length of my cord is probably none of my business. You want to hook them on. You could use metal clips or any plastic fasteners, or, of course, the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. All right, firetrucks have sirens. Your horn is a good start, but for that little extra noise, you wanna loosen off your alternator belt and your fan belt and your power steering belt just a little bit. Then, when you start 'er up, everybody will hear you comin'! For extra effect, punch a few holes in the muffler! Now, everybody knows that firetrucks have hoses so get yourself a bunch of these hoses on reels at the hardware store, or you can borrow one from somebody when they're not around. Attach them on here with bolts, or weld them on, or... That's right. Don't worry if they don't match 'cause we'll paint this fire-engine red. Take one end of your hoses and hook them into your water pump. So you don't just have a firetruck here. You got a pumper truck. Every firetruck has to have a ladder, a ladder that will go in any direction... Because fire happens in any direction, and you may park in any direction. What you need is some kind of rotating platform with an axle down through the centre of 'er. Easy to do. Make sure nobody's sittin' in the car when you do this. There we got a ladder where you can fight fires in two directions, and she goes up and down, just like the units do on the real firetrucks, and at a fraction of the cost. A couple of final details. You want buckets of sand, a bit of water, and you got your emergency oxygen. Empty the propane out, put oxygen in. I'm not sure how you do that, but I'm guessing it's important. You got your smoke detectors to let you know when you're close to the fire. We're ready for any arsonist. I'm not sure what an arsonist is, but it sounds like something we have plenty of at the lodge. (bell ringing) oh, my gosh, a fire! All right! Plug in our lights! (electricity sparking) they show up better at a night fire. And away we go. (backfiring) (steam whistling) maybe I shouldn't have disconnected the water pump. Fire! Fire! Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Don't worry about the black colour. We'll paint the whole thing a beautiful fire-engine red. Yeah, she's out. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Wanted to talk to you ladies to help you understand why we men do what we do. For example, how we fix everything with duct tape... Like, say, putting the mirror back on the car. A lot of people would take the car to a garage. An hour and 60 bucks later, it would be fixed and look good whereas your handyman takes 10 minutes and seven cents' worth of duct tape and it looks butt-ugly. Let's take a look at the reasoning behind the actions. What car are we talkin' about? Is this an '81 cordova with 400,000 miles on it and a real bad cough? Why would you spend 60 bucks on a car you can replace for $50? Why take an hour to fix something that can be done in 10 minutes? If you put 400,000 miles on 'er, you don't owe it any more of your time. What's the big deal about fixin' something and puttin' it back into original quality? Just makes the rest of the car look bad. Nothin' worse than a repair job that outlasts the vehicle. So I suggest that you ladies, instead of criticizing your husband for slapping on the duct tape, why not compliment him for his brain power? Realize this -- he now has 50 minutes on his hands and an extra 60 bucks in his pocket. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Old man sedgwick's son has moved in with him. You can tell by the furniture on the lawn and the duct tape dividing the rooms that things aren't going all that well. Now, what is the worst thing that could happen? They could be heating their cabin with high-sulphur coal. Meanwhile, both men are rinsing their teeth in the pewter jar. That would create this symbiotic hydrolysis. Then there would be a thermal inversion. The sulphur ions would collide with the dental plaque. That would accelerate the electrons. There would be this massive nuclear reaction! But, it wouldn't kill them. But it would render them absolutely sterile for the rest of their lives! (laughing maniacally) (applause) I'm writing an episode of "the outer limits". Harold, you are an episode of "the outer limits". No -- the worst thing that could happen is old man sedgwick's moved out of his cabin and he's moving into the lodge. No -- this is 125-year-old lodge. He has to have permission. Old man sedgwick said it was part of the deal when he built the place. You've got to do something. I'm surprised you're taking this the way you are. Well, he's not staying in my room. A poem by dylan thomas green. "the force that through the green fuse "drives the flower, drives my green age, "that blasts the roots of trees is my destroyer. "but this force cannot wreak the damage "of a six-pack and a bucket of curly fries." (siren) possum 9-1-1 -- thanks for calling. State your membership card number. Uh... 7-6-5... 3-4-8. That's dougie franklin. What's the trouble, dougie? Red... I'm all alone, red. Help. This sounds serious. Did you roll the monster truck? Pinned in the cab again? It's my mom. She's... She's out of town for a week, red. His mom's out of town. I don't get it. I do, harold. When's the last time you ate proper food, dougie? I don't know... How... To cook. Snacks. I ate a jar of olives, red. Ok, dougie, what room are you in right now? I don't know. I don't recognize a thing. All right, that will be the kitchen. Go to the cupboard that has all the cooking supplies in it. The what? The cupboard. What's that? It's like the stove without all the controls. What's that? It's like the washing machine! Oh, speak english, will ya? All right, dougie, where do you keep your beer? Oh, the fridge. Ok, ok. Red, everything's gone dark. Now, take it easy, dougie. This is red. Look on the fridge door. See a lot of magnets there? Yeah. Paper. Smurfs. Ok, one of those is going to have a phone number on it. Call that number, crawl to the door and wait. In half an hour you'll have a pizza. Thank you, red. I can't believe my own mother would try to kill me. (red): Here we are, back with "adventures with bill". We've been practising all the time we were away. I thought I wouldn't enjoy this. Bill's going to try to go right up and land in that chair on top of the shed. You know, attitude is so much a part of life. I'm thinking, "why don't I go with it? "have some fun with it." jump, and let bill... Way you go, way you go. (laughing) boy, I love a circus. A change of plan. He's gonna start in the chair, then flip the both of them onto the roof. That sounds very sensible to me. And away we go. Oh my gosh. It seems to have gone horribly wrong. Oh well. (laughing) I'll get the board out of the way, and clean up a little. There's a chair. I'll just relax for a second and wait for bill. I'm sure he'll be here shortly. There he is now. I'll tell you one thing about bill. He never ever hurts himself. Hardly ever. Here's a duct tape dispenser that fits on your belt. Yeah, yeah, hold your horses. Old man sedgwick, bedridden -- which is normal for the lodge. But he's actually not feeling well. He's got us running around getting him lemon, herbal, camomile tea, and rubber things with fluid in them. And, of course, "the sports illustrated" swimsuit edition. His latest request is for bran muffins. (ringing) harold's just getting a plate! (ringing) uncle red, I couldn't find a clean plate, so I stole the hubcap off the possum van. That baby was really stuck on there. You should have taken it off the driver's side front. I have that off every week. Why is that? That's the wheel I hit stuff with. Anyway, take these up to old man sedgwick, harold. That's good enough. It's not too polite taking muffins up in a hubcap, is it? I was going to serve them in a bedpan. Skip the middle-man. Tell him if he eats all them, you'll get him more. If he eats all these, I'm not going near him. Welcome to the portion of the show where we examine those three words that men find so hard to say. (audience): I don't know. Hoo ha! Joining my uncle red this week is his best friend in the whole wide room, local roofer, arnie dogan. Hi, arnie. (applause) ok, today's letter goes as follows. "dear experts, I enjoy sports like "shark wrestling and taking the last doughnut at bingo. "my girlfriend is afraid I'll kill myself "in a way that will void my life insurance. "I love taking risks, but I don't want to lose her. Well, I'd go with the girlfriend on this one. Life is short enough. You don't want to accelerate the process. I don't see it that way. You got to take chances. Like we say in the roofin' business, "if you don't go to the edge, she's gonna leak." all right. Then you'll end up with ice build-up. Ok, that's-- your soffit will sag and smell funny. If I didn't take chances I wouldn't be here today. That's right, arnie -- you'd be at work. You mean this. No -- I'll be back at work soon as the cast is off and they remove that extra foot of eavestroughing. Ahhh. I can't believe you're going back to roofing after that accident. Roofing's in my blood. And vice versa. Stuff happens, eh, red. My dad was a roofer and so was his dad. Grampa started dogan and sons roofing in 1938, when some woman's husband come home forcing grampa to slide out her bedroom window and pretend he was replacing shingles. Well, it can't be much of a business. You've spent more on medical care than you ever made on roofing. You've got to have something on the side. Grampa always had something on the side. So do I. Country music. I've written over 17,000 songs. 17,000 songs. We should concentrate on answering this letter. That's what I'm doing. I'm saying pursue your dreams. If I didn't pursue my dreams, how could I have written this? All right. ♪ I loved her on the rooftop ♪ ♪ but she didn't like my flashing ♪ ♪ she threw my heart in the downspout ♪ ♪ and now I drink a lot ♪ ♪ and drive trucks ♪ (applause) thank you. I wrote that one last week in the recovery room. Next time wait for the anaesthetic to wear off. Every once in a while I come up with an idea that makes so much sense, it's irresistible. You're quitting television? Pardon me? Did I say that out loud? I'm talking about old man sedgwick. We had him laid up in the lodge. Got his son in his cabin. Didn't want any part of him. I'm thinking, "who are the most obvious people "to look after old man sedgwick?" I know, I know, I know. I know, I know. I know who it is. The victorian order of nurses. They're well-trained. They've got their own cars. They've got cool crests on the door. And they're all ladies. He might even meet somebody. No, harold, no, no. I'm talking about old man sedgwick's parents. I think his mother's name is old lady sedgwick and his dad is dead man walking sedgwick. Wow, he's got parents and they're still alive? How old are they? Well, they're old. She has a tattoo that says "george washington slept here." I talked to them. They weren't interested. I went to his son and said "you'd better look after your old man who is an old man. "in fact, his name is old man." the thought of that much responsibility scared him so bad, he went back where he came from. Old man sedgwick's moving back to his cabin? I get my room back? Oh, excellent! That's great. You might want to wait till the bed dries. That's a good point. (squealing) meeting time. Go ahead -- I'll be down in a minute. If my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting. This talk of old man sedgwick and his son, I got thinking about having a son. Then I looked at harold and the idea just... Thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) ok, all rise. (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!